I will first say that what we do - what you're doing - as a single mother is more than amazing - hard is not even the word, and to raise a young boy into a man is especially taxing on the best of us - even married couples have a hard way to go - so you deserve applause and kudos and if no one's giving that to you than I'm giving all of you a standing ovation right now (see me clapping, LOL?).

With that said, I will say that one of the toughest lessons that I've learned through the years - but one that comforted me when I finally "got it" was this: you cannot internalize this and take it personal.

I used to get so frustrated because I was doing everything that I could to make sure that my son was well taken care of, happy, healthy, engaged in extracurricular activities, and living my life FOR him and it would kill me that he couldn't just clean up his nasty azz room or do his homework. I was like - that is your ONLY responsibility and you can't even do that for me? As much love that I pour into you (my son) and giving that I do that you can't even do the "little things" that I ask?

I would cry, scream, threaten military school, take away games, toys, phone - all that. But he would still lie about assignments due, his room would still look like a nuclear war mine came through - but of course he would be showering everyday and lying in a filthy germy ass bed (excuse me) and I would just cringe all over. He would leave food-crusted plates in his room - on his bed - and sleep with them - how damn gross is that?!

But I slowly came to realize - and after many many talks with my son - that it wasn't about ME. There was nothing that I was doing wrong, there was nothing that I could do different - it wasn't about me - it was about him. It was like in my head I thought he would be saying things like "yeah she told me to clean/do homework, but I'm not going to listen to her, I'm not going to respect her, I'm not going to do anything to make her happy".

The fact of the matter is - and don't get your egos bruised - they are not thinking about you. It's not malicious. They just don't operate like that. He said that he didn't clean his room because of various reasons - being lazy, getting distracted, overwhelmed, on the phone, thinking about girls, thinking about baseball - the last thing they are thinking about is that room/homework/. THE LAST THING.

Basically - they ain't thinking 'bout you. Is that disrespectful? I dunno...in getting older I reflect back and I don't think so. It's them taking us for granted - and for my life that is what I WANTED. I wanted my son - because we were both young and all alone - that I would love him unconditionally - that he can take me for granted because I will always be here - that nothing he can ever do ~ or not do - will ever effect my love for him. In essence, I created this monster.

But for real - this is what growing up is about. They stop being the kids that hold your hand and want to go with you everywhere. They start looking at you - no matter how close you are and how much you hang out - as the parental unit. They stop thinking about "Mommy" first and are all over the place - girls, sports, tv, girls, shoes, girls, cars...you get it.

This was very hard for me - I mean I've been giving my life to this boy! And it hurt my feelings - alot. I thought that if I loved him enough that he would WANT to do those things - but for real - what boy WANTS to clean his room, WANTS to do his homework - they are boys - not men. And no matter how mature and responsible you think they are - they are little boys for a very very long time.

Your son is in the sixth grade? Well I don't want to scare you, but it didn't get better for me at that stage - it only got worse. No talking back or drugs (thank you Jesus), or anything like that - but smarmy attitudes, huffy puffy, what I call the "black clothes" stage, the "waiting to get his first" stage, the "you don't know anything, ma" stage...more tears, more "I can't take this shit no more!" and now....

My son is 19 ~ he just finished his first year of college. I pick him up on Saturday. He calls me weekly ~ asks me about my day, asks me about work, asks me how I am. He tells me he loves me (without me saying it first), he bought me a piece of jewerly last year for Mom's day all on his own. He's mature, responsible, giving, loving, bright, a good young man - treats girls like queens and has good lifelong friends.

Basically ~ I did good by him and in turn he's done right by me. But it was phases and circles and ebbs and flows...and it was never ever personal.

You're wonderful and he is, too...just because you're not on the same page in this moment in time doesn't mean that they won't all be great chapters.

And in looking back - I laugh sometimes. I was always so intense, so serious, and I should have picked my battles better. The homework? Yes. The room? ehh...outside of the foody items...not so much. The clothes/hair? ehh...not at all.

Is he productive and ambitious and kind and is his character what I would want in a man? All that and more...and that's all that you can really ask for and if you get it as I have you are wonderfully blessed.

Taking vacations - WITHOUT him - helped me. Little mini ones - sometimes just an overnight weekend with a girlfriend to remind myself that being a mother isn't all who I am - and realizing that being a son is not all who he is.

Good luck and sorry for the novel

~ be blessed, Div

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Comments

RAYBOZZ said on Sunday, May 11th @ 1:32 PM:

This was one of the responses to Kandy's "rant" and it did exactly what I needed it to do.

Put me at peace.

Thanks Div!!

Much Love, Ray

reachkisha said on Saturday, August 2nd @ 11:09 AM:

Wow. As a mother of a 7 almost 8 year old son, I know there are many challenges to be faced. I can only hope that my parenting produces simliar results. I will use your advice in remembering its not about me and I hope to save my energy from the battles of lease importants.

Thank you Kandi.

Kisha

Nictastic said on Saturday, August 2nd @ 11:18 AM:

Div,

I don't have kids (you know that) so I look to all my sistagirl mommies (and other friends) as examples of what kind of mommy I want to be one day. With the news of breast cancer and my fears about what it may do to my ability to have kids at this stage of my life... I am clinging even tighter to lessons and stories like this one... just to remind me that parenting is hard, and often not fully appreciated until well after the fact. But also to give me some hope that when I do have children -- and I'm planning to do that one day -- I have a huge network of women, including family members who can help me to keep my sanity and allow my baby to grow and flourish.

All that to say... again, thank you for sharing this post.